Another day begins in Mumbai. I have much too much going on. In my life, in my heart, in my head, with work etc. We all do I guess. As Sapna, Harrish and I make our way to a place I've never even heard of in my city, our rickshaw explodes with political talk, India, the possibility vs the reality of change and solutions. All that chattering comes to a halt as we reach our destination and find a smiling Dipesh awaiting us.

The four of us started walking through the chawl. This place has Muslims and Hindus living together in peace side by side. I started looking around and it took me back to a different life, in a different era. Kids playing together outside, every huts doors wide open, roosters running around, everyone keeping the area clean and plain happy faces all around. I dressed very simply as I did not want to stand out or seem different, but I guess all of us just didn't look like we were from there, so the novelty factor got everyones attention as we passed them by. Smiling eyes peeked from windows, happy shop keepers waved and excited children led us to the exact place we had to go to. Just then I saw a coal iron - it was so beautiful. I asked if I could take a picture, the lady who was ironing was more than happy to let me and posed even with a big smile. The other girls around her chuckled and hid behind the curtain. Once I finished clicking, they were all more than eager to speak to me and tell me how this is the best iron for clothes.

We then proceeded to 'The HIJRA Community Centre' at Char Chowghi. We were welcomed by Gauri Sawant, a woman who is witty, charming, hilarious, motivated, inspiring, strong and she shed so much light upon us. Appropriate considering it's Diwali! We greeted the Guru Ma, sat on the floor with a few more women and the talks started. We were offered so much to eat and drink, it was heart warming. Initially we politely declined. We were asked to answer with a simple yes or no. Gauri asked 'If I came to your house would you accept me not even having a glass of water or tea? Would you let me leave just like that?' Our 'buts' started and she thundered 'just answer with a yes or a no - it's that simple'. We smiled and indulged in their hospitality. Growing up in India, having a 'proper' education, it's amazing how we are still so unaware of our own people and their ways of life.

There is a difference between a transgender and a Hijra. A Hijra is a part of a community - like a sufi Community or Parsi community. No one just becomes a Hijra just like that. They have Guru Ma's, they are each others solace, friends and family. If you see one in a sari or dressed as a woman, refer to her as she - not he, not it. Did you know they have to go through 3 years of psychological consultation and evaluation to be able to get permission to have the operation? Do you know they save a lot of their own hard earned money just to be able to have that operation? I'm sure you cannot imagine the pain of being trapped somewhere (in their case in a mans' body) when all you want to do is get out. I can fully understand them, I've been through that and it's not a fun feeling - you feel as if you're trapped in the tiniest jail cell, its walls are constantly drawing closer to you, you cannot breathe, you're choking, suffocating, screaming and yet all people around you do is laugh, instead of lending you a hand.

They are often abandoned by their families, shunned and mocked by society, raped, disrespected and considered unworthy of love. They are ridiculed for being true to themselves - here's my question, how many of us actually have the guts to see who we truly are, be who we want to be and not care about how difficult life will be and how much pain it will cause one mentally, emotionally and physically? We are conditioned by society and so if something or someone is different to societys' warped concept of normal, they are termed weird, crazy, mentally ill, f*cked up etc. Why do we fear individuality? Why do we fear things and people that are different? A lot of this can also be linked to procreation and Lord Brahma. I won't delve deeper into this, but reading and understanding Hindu Mythology and Indian history during the Mughal Empire will explain a lot and prove that all of this is and has been a part of our 'culture'.

These ladies were so polite, respectful, fluent in English, well educated and knowledgable about current affairs and laws. Despite everything they have gone through and still go through, they stood tall, smiled constantly and cracked us up as they spoke. They want to be accepted but aren't because of irrational fears, preconceived notions that are all man made. Sure, there are a few rotten apples, but don't we all have them in every community, in every family? That doesn't mean we judge them for it. And who the hell are we to judge anyway? What gives us the right? Our own self-made, self-superiority complexes?? I'll be honest, I don't like it when they touch me and threaten to curse me if I don't give them money, but then again how are they supposed to feed themselves, get medication etc? Who looks after them except their community? We give beggars, old and handicapped people money, but nothing to them because they are a nuisance. Why this discrimination? How often have you said/heard 'Oh shit, quickly roll up the windows, the Hijras are coming. We'll be safe behind the glass and if we turn up the music we won't hear their curses..' I'd just like to say, I've also met many Hijras that I've not paid, only spoken to nicely or smiled at and they've left me with a blessing. One of them even paid for my friends rickshaw fare when she fell short of cash.

It takes guts to commit to being a member of the Hijra family. Don't just think of the physical part. That's being narrow minded. Look at the commitment to a lifetime filled with hardship, discrimination, hate and injustice and still rising above it all, standing tall with a big heart and open smile. They have seen more life than most of us. They are souls of awareness. They have nothing more to lose and in that, they have their freedom and happiness. Something all of us crave, hardly any will achieve.

It was time to leave; we clicked pictures, got blessed by the Guru Ma and as they walked us out till the rickshaws, all I felt was an overwhelming sense of inspiration and strength. We were meant to make theirs a Happy Diwali,  instead they showered us with immense love and happiness, leaving us with good, positive and motivating energy.

We headed towards an 85 year old ladys' home next. Dipesh met her at his doctor. He's been helping her out whenever possible, bringing her clean sheets, sorting out her meals, her walking stick, cable connection etc. She's lonely, has no one to talk to, no family or friends left, her daughters have abandoned her and therefore is left with hurt, anger and her memories of a painful past. We picked up some juice, chocolate and oats for her.

Vatsala spoke in Marathi. Each time she spoke of her past we changed the topic, made up stories, each of us told her what we do for a living. She told Sapna to cut her hair the next time and made me sing for her. I knew just one Marathi song... just 2 lines of it. Everyone encouraged me to go for it regardless. Her face lit up and she sang with me. And then we sang it again, this time everyone joined in. She ate chocolate, drank juice which she refused to do before. She told us it felt nice to have us here, that when she's alone she only has memories, having Krishna (the only God she has ever believed in and calls Dipesh that) and his friends around keeps her mind occupied. When we walked in, she spoke of how much she wanted to die. As we left, she asked when we were coming back and where we could go to the next time, so she has a change of scene.

I couldn't get myself to write about this yesterday because it was so heavy, there was so much to just take in and absorb... I'm still reeling. Moments like these, days like these put life and my 'issues' into perspective. I have so much to be grateful for, how can I have the audacity to be sad, upset, crib and whine about my life?

We are all human beings at the end of the day. Not Hindu, Not Muslim, Not Jew, Not Christian, Not Hijra, Not Gay, Not Lesbian, Not Indian, Not Pakistani, Not Rich, Not Poor. None of these stupid religious and political divisions!!!! We are all one. We are all love. We are all from the same Source! We will all be reduced to ash and bones.

I leave you with something Gauri said that just hit me, touched me and will forever stay in my heart. She said it in Hindi, but I'll translate it into English. 'No matter how high up and successfully the kite may be flying in the air, fact is the thread and it's reel are always on the ground, right? And that's where it should stay, for we all know what happens to the kite once that thread gets cut. And that is life... you never know when the thread may get cut.'

Happy Diwali everyone... Stay enlightened and spread the light.









Independence from rape, 
Independence from gender bias, 
Independence from female foeticide, 
Independence from farmer suicides, 
Independence from acid attacks, 
Independence from environmental abuse, Independence from illiteracy,
Independence from poverty, Independence from racial hatred & religious bias,
Independence from bad roads & potholes,
Independence from corrupt leaders,
Independence from fearing freedom of speech,
Independence from bribery,
Independence from poaching, Independence from lies,
schemes and scams...

Oh India,

You truly are beautiful, your people have the sweetest smiles, warmest hearts... You have all the riches the world envies, breathtaking nature, heritage, culture, monuments, spirituality, arts, music
awe-inspiring diversity, colours, flavours...

Let us love our nation & give her, her forests, oceans, animals and each other the long overdue respect we deserve...

Lets support and give those who died for our Independence and those that serve us by risking their lives everyday for our safety, our borders, our cities the respect they deserve.

Lets be truly Independent, so we can each proudly say Bharat Mata ki Jai!!!


©RAMONA ARENA 2013
To all the flaky people in my life
This one is for you
You think I don’t know who you are
So sorry, but I didn’t get fooled.

For the times you did pretend
To be my friend
Taking as much as you could.
For the times you wished me ill
Secretly hoping
I’d fall to the ground as you stood.

For the hidden hopes
You harbored within
For me to give up and fail
For taking all you could
By sucking me dry
For your own entertainment and gain.

For all the lies you spread about me
Swearing to the world its true,
For all the gains you used me for
I still gave as I saw through.

I’m really not half as stupid or blind
As you like to believe is true
I choose to keep giving, hoping and forgiving
The insecurities that you’ve been reduced to.

I’ve obviously done something right in my life
To have made it so relevant to yours.
Thanks for your efforts, I’m way stronger now
May your life find real purpose, a true cause.


©RAMONA ARENA 2013
😝The Calling...

I awoke with a heart beating with a combination of excitement and nervousness. Today was the day I would do something I have been wanting to do for a while. Today was the day I would strike another thing off my bucket list. Today was the day I was going to do the only thing I had planned to do on this trip to Rajasthan. Today was the day of my calling.

They say (and I quote the Qawwali sung right there at this magical site), 'Man ki Muraad paate hai Khawaja ke sheher mein. Taqdeer wale aate hain Khawaja ke Sheher mein. Irade roz bante hain aur ban ke toot jaate hain. Wohi Ajmer aate hain, jinhe Kawaja bulaate hain. Mujhe aapne bulaya Khawaja, yeh karam nahin toh kya hain...'
(Roughly translated: Wishes are granted in the city of Khawaja. Those that are lucky/destined to, come to the city of Khawaja. Intented promises are made daily and broken after they are made. Only those that are summoned by Khawaja, come to Ajmer. You have beckoned me Khawaja, what is this if not fate..)

And this city of Khawaja, is called Ajmer. Today, I was going to the Ajmer Sharif Dargah. As most people believe, no matter how badly you want to go there, how hard you try or how long you have waited to go there; until you get a 'bulawa' (calling from Khawaja Sahib or the Holy Forces that be) - you will just not be able to go there. He calls you when the time for you to visit is right.

Now I'm far from religious or superstitious, but this I do believe, as I have experienced it myself many times. The timing of Islam re-entering my life, sufism making a sudden entry into my life through magical ways, this entire spontaneous trip, friends I hadn't had contact with in a while, popping out of nowhere, offering me help with places to stay, people to connect with, people taking to me as if they've known me forever, strangers throughout being so loving, helpful and kind to me - no matter how rich or poor, Ajmer being en route from my 'accidental' Udaipur detour to Jaipur etc etc was nothing short of miraculous.

Everything just fit and kept falling into place too perfectly - like the pieces of an intricate jigsaw puzzle that I was only just beginning to have a tiny glimpse of! It really felt like all the forces of the Universe collected to bring me here, at this time, on this day. So I accept that I am a child of the Universe, open to spirituality, open to the belief that certain things cannot be explained, but I will not give into the trappings of religious musts and must-nots, because those are all man made to instill fear in the hearts of men and not allow any place for logic or intelligence.

My now dear friend Jay, set it all up. Right after breakfast, a rickshaw picked us up. Our approach to the Ajmer Sharif Dargah left me amazed and amused- the streets are so narrow, I was unable to fathom how they were used as 2 way streets. The rickshaw stopped at a certain point and we had to get out and walk. The streets were SO crowded, it was crazy!!! In my mind, I had imagined this to be a very quiet, remote place in the middle of nowhere - much to my surprise, it turned out to be the exact opposite!

We walked amongst what looked like thousands of people and met our Khadim. We picked up baskets of offerings and my journey to my 'Bulawa' thus began. He took us in, guided us around the place, told us what to do and I even got my own special time to sit and do dua and say special prayers for a whole list of people. I had actually spent the past couple of days writing down names of people in my diary and ended up with 4 long pages of names to read out. Some that knew I was there asked me to do dua for them, but most people didn't know where I was and that I did dua for them too. I also said a little prayer for everyone in the world, known and unknown to me; I asked for forgiveness for the times I may have hurt any form creation, in this lifetime or past, intentionally or unintentionally. And above all else, I forgave myself. For the numerous times I actually caused my own self pain.

Forgive me for not adding more details about the magic of this place, what I did there and the unexpected miracle I experienced after, as I believe that is something deeply personal between Khawaja Sahib and me. That is also why I am not attaching many photos to this blog.

But I shall end with dua for you all and express my gratitude to each one of you that follows me, supports me and reads my blogs:
'May He shower his choicest blessings upon you, may your life be filled with endless love and peace. May you have good health and share your happiness with the lives you touch - be it for a fleeting moment or a lifetime.'


The approach to the Ajmer Sharif Dargah.
My dearest Jay and me...




Hello India,


I write and speak straight from my heart. I am no one, just an ordinary citizen writing to you... my fellow citizens - old, young, rich, poor, Hindu, Musilim, Jew, Brahmin, Dalit whatever... I hope I can touch you and make you believe in everything I feel and believe.


I write this from a purely human and emotional space after going through, seeing and hearing different stories from so many girlfriends of mine about abuse, threats, violence and teasing. It leaves me shocked, numb, upset, angry and in fear. Fear that it could just as easily have been me. So bear with me.


Yes, India has a corrupt government, the police, municipal corporations are understaffed, not motivated and justice - it may come but it'll take at least a decade thanks to the backlog. So yes, India has problems. Big, major, serious problems. But then again, which country doesn't? Who in the world doesn't have problems?


I'm not justifying it or supporting it. Thing is, what are YOU - in your capacity - as a citizen of a country with so many problems doing about these problems? It's easy to feel like your hands are tied. I've felt like that a million times. I often think of how tedious a process it will be to clean and fix things, for some sort of change and order to come about - and I confess I sometimes feel like saying forget it, let me just get the hell out of here so I don't need to deal with this anymore. No one cares, if they want to rot, let them. That maybe its best I just keep living in my own little bubble to have some peace. But then again, I can't. It is my country. If I want a change, I have to be the change. In my own way, in my own capacity. And it will take time.


If we look at the all the negatives and then also balance things out and look at the positives, we will find there are TONS! So many amazing selfless people, giving up their careers to help others, others volunteering and helping. I have been fortunate enough to meet just a handful. 


I recently met Sonal from Magic Bus India. What a lovely lady. Once heading Channel V, she's now given up her career to help our children. Her argument is we have the infrastructure in our country, we have laws but no one bothers to know what they are, how we can improve things, what our basic rights are even! In this respect, she has opened my eyes for which I am truly grateful.


Magic Bus has been doing great work - read up on them. See how they are using sports to teach children who do not come from posh backgrounds about gender sensitivity, treating women as equals, manners, politeness, hygiene etc. Its amazing! Read about Mathew Spacie. A foreigner doing SO much wonderful work - again giving up his job for Indias' children, Indias' future, Indias' development as a 'whole society'. If you want to go play football or whatever with kids and brighten their day, see how they are taught about life through sports just go to any one of their 12 centres across India. (http://www.magicbus.org)


Apoorva from No Nasties is another amazing soul. The farmer suicides in Maharashtra bothered him so much, he quit his job and started an organization that makes Tshirts custom made that everyone - you, me, every company can customize prints for. I can personally vouch for the quality, color and feel of these Tshirts. If you can't be activley involved , go buy a Tshirt from them. Sacrifice a coffee with your friends and just do it!! (www.nonasties.in)


There's Muktangan who are trying to change the way children are educated in government schools. Amazing selfless people devoting their time and skills to help children and parents learn and grow. If you sing, play an instrument, paint or have a skill, just go to one of their schools and spend 2 hours there showing it off and inspiring their kids. (http://www.muktanganedu.org/www/)


There a million other stories, people and organisations that are doing a lot of good. But they need to be backed. They need our support.


The biggest problem in our country is education. The lack of it and the way in which it is given. Everyone knows the 2 biggest influences in our country are Bollywood and Cricket.


So when one is in a powerful position to influence others & can make a difference on a larger scale, one HAS to be nothing less than responsible. It is disappointing to see the kind of messages sent out - maybe not directly by them, but via them as at the end of the day, it is their names that are on the project. I'm referring to the outcry about RaginiMMS2 and its official FB page.


I reacted and was most upset when I first saw it too. But I've had time to think about it - I'm guessing being as busy as she is, Ms. Kapoor has a marketing team that has been hired to take care of the content. I'm sure Ms. Kapoor must not be aware of the things being written on the page by her marketing team, because as a woman, a citizen and a human, I refuse to believe that she could allow something like this to be written. Especially at a time where a verdict is the topic of discussion for a horrific sexual crime and the Mahalaxmi gang rape amongst others is still fresh in our minds. Besides, there's no denying she is an intelligent, smart, educated and well brought up person from a good home.


The text, seems to be encouraging men to 'tease her' 'being a little flirty won't hurt' and that 'a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. So, use it'. THAT is what is atrocious! The pictures are fine, lingerie is fine and being sexy, feeling sexy is all great. I have no issues with pornography even.


Theres another pic on www.facebook.com/RanginiMMS2Official that says 'Fear is the new sexy'. 


NO!!!!!!! Nothing about fear is sexy! And yes its a horror film and a sexy film but you cannot combine the two to create tag lines like these!!! We know the demographic that is being targeted with these pictures & accompanying texts - they will think its fun and cool to instil fear in a woman - that women want it!! We do NOT! 


We do NOT want men to use their dirty minds - hasn't every woman suffered enough for that? 


Is it not possible to have tag lines that are separate, instead of trying to use fear and sexy together? For example: 'Sexy has a whole new meaning' for one and 'Get ready to scream' for another etc. I'm not a copy person but you get the gist.


So please Ms. Kapoor, there are countless selfless souls who have given up careers, and lives to put in hours of hard work for education, awareness & gender sensitivity. Without keeping a check on what your team is doing, there is a very serious and horrid message reaching the lesser educated people, endangering the lives and safety of even more women. And with the reach and power of Bollywood, this message just erases all of the hard work and sacrifice these amazing souls have made and keep making.


Change starts with each one of us. You, me, mother, father, brother sister, aunt, uncle, friend, lover, child. Let us all be responsible, a little more alert, a little more attentive to the things we say or do. We live in a land where most people aren't taught, they don't know better and are easily influenced (Eg: Asaram). We can help and as educated citizens of this beautiful land, it is our responsibility to reach out & help each other in the smallest possible way. 


Let us all take baby steps... all of us together. For Indias' sake, for our sake. Anything, in any capacity is a start. I have faith and I love my country.


Thank you for reading this, I know it was a loooong one.


R xoxo

12th September 2013, Mumbai.
Holy Surprises!


As I walked up and down the narrow streets I knew so well, I found it comforting that not much seemed to have changed. I could describe Pushkar in one word - beautiful, but a whole bunch of words even, would not be able to describe the kind of calm and release it brings to my soul. I made my way down to one of the many Ghats. I walked along the lake and sat on the steps a little distance away from a Sadhu who seemed to be oblivious to the world around him.

I took in deep, long breaths; sat and sat and sat... I started to think about how this trip to Rajasthan worked out, how everything had been falling into place - almost like it was something that had been pre planned - destined. I slipped in and out of my past: how much I have been through in my life, how I've managed to survive these past few years especially. I was amazed and almost proud of my own strength. Sure I've broken down, bawled for days on end, whined even to a few close friends who sat patiently and listened, prayed to a God or anybody out there. I thought of the people that today are in my heart, of how much I have to be grateful for despite everything. Thoughts then shifted to the future: what I am doing with my life, what is left for me to do, how am I going to support myself, what do I truly want out of life, will I ever have a family of my own, will I be a workaholic... I had no answers.

I decided to go to the Brahma Temple. It's the only one in the world. Walking there I got stopped by 2 women - sisters with a sweet little baby boy Ronak. He was all smiles and just reached out for me. I took him into my arms and he held my cheek, looking at me. He was adorable and I was in love. This little child was so at home with me, you'd never think this was the first time we met. Some twenty minutes later, his mom had to leave. He held on to my finger super tight, which he only let go off once I handed him my chocolate. I clicked a picture of them and carried on towards the Brahma Temple.

Tons of little shops before the Temple sell you baskets of offerings, you can chose if you want to spend Rs.50 or Rs.100 on them. I told the guy to give me one for Rs.100. I was also told I had to leave my slippers and bags with them in one of their wooden boxes with locks. So I did, armed with a key and my basket of offerings I walked up the stairs, amidst tons of people that seemed to have come out of nowhere.

There was a long horizontal queue (as is the norm in India). The priest looked like a slightly irritable robot, mechanically taking baskets of offerings, sorting out what stayed by the idol and did it at the speed of light. I had time to observe him since everyone just kept on butting in and breaking the 'queue'. Never did he stop - not to wipe the sweat off his forehead, nor to look up at anyone, let alone speak to anyone.  My turn finally came and he took my basket exactly like did with everyone else, except whilst handing it back, he stopped. He held it in his hand, looked at me and told me somethings. I was taken aback because 1. he spoke 2. the nature of the things he said. We had an exchange of dialogue as I didn't quite understand what I was meant to do with the instructions he gave me. Despite people pushing and shoving their offerings towards him, I felt and heard nothing... it was almost as if time had stopped and it was just him and me there. He finally said to me 'I had to give you this message is all I know, how you want to interpret it and what you do with it is not my problem, I've done what I was meant to, now you do whatever you want to'. With that he shoved my basket back into my hands, head down again and was back in robot mode. I was still in shock and kept looking at him to see if he did this with anyone else. He didn't. I later asked a friend who is a local and she too was most surprised saying in all her years, she's never seen him speak to anyone, never to her either.

I headed back to the Ghats. I saw a staircase - very dirty, broken that looked like it hadn't been used in years. No one seemed to be going up there. But something inside me kept gnawing at me to climb. To my surprise, it was a beautiful marble Temple - protected by the Government of India. As children next door were reciting shlokas and chanting I thought to myself - why can't they maintain anything in this country, especially something that is protected? It's so pretty, has such a serene & positive vibe, it's a shame people don't even know of this spot. But then, on second thought it's probably better this way, tucked away and still stays serenely sacred.

My friends' cousin called. She had arrived and was driving to Pushkar to meet me, have dinner with me and then take me back to her home in Ajmer. She asked me to meet her at one of Pushkars' sweetest spots - Sunset Cafe. We met, hit it off instantly and after enjoying one of the most beautiful sunsets of my life, walked the streets of Pushkar by night. She got me to taste my first malpuas (great for my palette, a catastrophe for my thighs). She then told me she had a surprise for me, said it was from my past but refused to tell me anymore.

Soon we were following a car, driving through some bumpy narrow roads in darkness broken by the cars' headlights. We got into a very pretty resort and from the car ahead of us, emerged a friend I hadn't seen or met in 17 years!! I couldn't believe it! It just so happened that he called her to ask what she was upto in the evening and she said she was looking after a friend of her cousin (who was also a part of the same group 17 years ago). She mentioned Ramona, he put two and two together and told her not to say a word, he'd surprise me. And boy did he! It turned out to be such an amazing dinner, we laughed, reminisced, reminded each other of stories, moments, people, caught up on who's doing what in life now...

I love it when life brings positive unexpected surprises my way. As my head touched the pillow that night, all I could feel was gratitude throbbing through every single vein in me. So much gratitude for this day, for this trip, for these people... I came to Pushkar alone, I left with 2 friends - one old, one new.

Now you know why I call Pushkar my magic place... OM!!!    :)


The Vishnu Temple
Sugar, grains, coconuts....
Sadhu on the steps 
The sweet ladies and the adorable Ronak with the 5 star bar in his hand.
Har Har Mahadev.
Beautiful Protected Heritage Temple I accidentally stumbled upon.
Be.
Meditate.
Contemplate.
The view from Sunset Cafe...
Magic...
Om Bhur Bhuva Svaha, Tat Savitur Varenyam, Bhargo Devasya Dhee Mahi, Dheyo Yona Prachodayat.
Gotta love Kikasso
Colorful women in pardah shopping for jewelry
The Maker...
His Mmmmm Creation... Fresh hot sugary Malpuas

Venturing into Holy Territory...

The very gracious and kind Deogarh family made sure I reached my next destination safe and sound. I was to stay at the home of an aunt & cousin of an old friend I'd recently reconnected with. Entering the town, it didn't really impress me much. I don't know what I was expecting anyway, but I was expecting it to be something else.

The home was lovely and quaint, three happy dogs that were only too eager to make sure I was covered in their fur and drool and my friends aunt, a most gracious host who made sure I ate and ate. Her daughter, my friends' cousin was to arrive the next day. The day I had planned to go to one of my most favourite places in India... probably even on earth.

I decided to take the local bus from Ajmer to Pushkar. One of the best decisions so far. I kept trying to figure out where the bus stop was - seems you just stand on the side of the main road and wave buses down as they pass by. Had I not met 4 very sweet men, I'd have waited in the hot desert sun, waving down lots of buses for a good 45 minutes.

There was a shop keeper, a security guard and a friend of theirs casually seated outside the shop. I asked them which bus would take this married-to-a-Jaipur-Rajput-thus-not-a-firang-thus-Hindi-speaking-one-year-old-mother to Pushkar. They told me there was no fixed time but it should come soon. They were so kind, told me to stand in the shade, offered me the one chair they had to sit on. I thanked them and declined politely. There was a handicapped man sitting in his wheelchair near by too. He also smiled and joined in trying to help me with stopping the right bus. I guess it became a game for them all too. Guessing when it would actually come. They told me how much the ticket would cost me, how long the journey would take and how the transport system in Ajmer works. The bus finally arrived but stopped 500 metres away. They told me to run - 'bhaago bhaago'! I sprinted to it, right in front of it so the driver would see someone running like a maniac and hopefully wait. As luck would have it he did.

I jumped in and made my way in. The conductor was... well lets say a full 'hero'. Sunglasses, shirt buttons open, wild hair and when he saw me asked me in English 'where you want go?' I replied 'Pushkar' and then in Hindi confirmed that the ticket costs sixteen rupees. He pulled his sunglasses down on his nose with one finger and looks at me and rather disappointed, says in English 'You speak Hindi?' I said yes happily. He gave me my change and ticket, told me to sit down.

What an interesting and lovely ride. I had a poor, old man in a beautiful turban sitting across from me. He wanted to communicate with me but he didn't speak Hindi. So with facial expressions and hand gestures, he figured out I was going to Pushkar, not for the first time, that I love it and that he was getting off before it as he lived there. Everyone on the bus was smiling, courteous and didn't bother me.

As we almost reached Pushkar, all the familiar sights brought back a rush of memories. I knew this place, I knew its streets, I knew its peace. What I didn't know was that it held 2 surprises for me...

The Handicapped Man and a family also awaiting a bus
The security guard, friend and shop keeper looking out for my bus
The sweet turbaned man with whom I played charades on the bus to communicate
Ajmer and Ajmer lake in the distance as we start the climb to Pushkar

The second I see this, I know I've reached bliss...
Fort to Palace...

No one bothered me as I walked up, down and around Kumbhalgarh Fort. I felt safe, I felt happy, I had time and literally the whole Fort to myself! Best of all, I was actually in the moment, breathing for each moment. They say when you start enjoying your own company like that, is when you need to start being careful. That's when you can risk crossing the thin red line and become a loner. I don't quite agree though. I think its very important for us to have these moments with ourselves. Doing things or standing up for yourself doesn't make you selfish; spending time and enjoying your own company doesn't mean you will never like spending time with anyone else. Besides, we are all loners to some degree aren't we?

Time to move forward. The highway was beautiful - great roads, no traffic, I wished I was driving a Range Rover or an Audi Q7. It'll come someday - some kind soul will hand me the keys and say 'here you go, a small present for being you'. And I'll say 'What?!? Thanks but no I can't'. And they'll say 'it's already been registered in your name, you deserve it'. And I'll be gobsmacked, we'll go back & forth but eventually I'll accept it. Yay, that day just can't come soon enough, but the day-dreaming comes... to a standstill just like the car I'm in does.

Welcome to Deogarh. One narrow street full of cars, people, bikes, dogs, cows and mini tempos with shops lining either side, leads me to my destination. The most vibrant colors burst around and above me. It instantly brought a smile to my face. As I observed all of this and more, we started moving towards the ever so magnificent Deogarh Mahal.

A kind friend & music producer Raajeev Sharma suggested I go stay there and meet with his friends, the Deogarhs. It was a great recommendation. A perfect place to relax. I was given a suite which had the oldest paintings (left untouched) in the whole Palace. The whole Palace (despite being so huge) has such an ease about it, it made me feel right at home. I loved that the chef decided what I should eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner - keeping all my likes/dislikes in mind. He would run it past me daily and I was more than happy to just say yes - saved me the effort of going through a menu and making a decision. One less thing to think about. And this time, as I looked out of my balcony at the hills on the horizon, way beyond the borders of this town, I felt like a different kind of Princess - one that was more comfortable with the idea of this being her Royal 'home' rather than a Princess that was overwhelmed and excited by opulance, grandeur & sparkles. This Palace just had a special, loving, quaint, homely aura about it.

I was very well looked after by the Deogarhs. I was shown around the Palace, met with the very sweet and lovely Queen Mother and thoroughly entertained by the wit, jokes and deep, magical conversations we all had with each other. Shatrunjai, Bhavnakumari and the kids took me around and beyond Deogarh, showed me different parts of it, explained a lot about its history, the people, wildlife and even took me to a very, very special spot - for which I shall be eternally grateful. They were so warm, hospitable and took such great care of me, I felt like a part of their family, like we'd been friends for years.

The landscape around was just so bare. A few rocks, cactii, shrubs & trees. It literally had nothing else. Yet I was nothing short of mesmerised. There was a beauty in it that I couldn't put my finger on. It had such a magnetic pull, I was deeply attracted to it. And all I could think of was shedding. Shedding and letting go. Releasing. Being as bare & barren as this desert, this landscape. Stripping down to the basics, the essence. If people want to be around me, they will - I will not run after them. I will release them with gratitude, love and peace. I will not run after work. I will not run after all the things I think I want. I will do everything within my capacity to make things happen, let people feel loved etc but after that I will let go. What's meant to be will be, there is only so much I can do. Accepting that, was a release in itself.

So, I let go... of everything. I shed all that was unnecessary, all that was not beneficial or of any use to me - feelings, thoughts & emotions like guilt, fear etc. it was a conscious decision and quite a struggle. But I did it. And instantly, I felt much lighter. I was just being. And breathing. And being. And breathing. 

Deogarh turned out to be a very spiritual experience for me on many levels. Special conversations, special energies in very special spots and I was like the driest sponge soaking it all in to the very depths of my being. This was a true blessing. And the start of a blessed journey...

The single lane with 2 way traffic, mini tempos, bikes, shops, colors...
...people, cows, bicycles leave you fascinated!!
The Grand Entrance
My Suite
My bedroom which has the oldest paintings in the Palace, that have been left untouched. So much history, gives you a special warm feeling. This picture really doesn't do it justice...
Loved how high my bathroom ceiling was! 
The mirror room most Palaces have. Don't I just fit in and look like I was born to play the part of a Princess?? ;)
Lounge Area of the Presidential Suite
The main entrance to the Palace, Restaurant and Rooms

A very special Banyan Tree...
Om Namah Shivay! This Trishul has quite an interesting story behind it.
Do you see him??? 


The Royal Burial Ground.
Where I am standing is actually a dry lake. I'm told its now full. The line on the rock beside my face is where the water usually fills up till.
With the wonderful & caring Deogarh family.
A most stunning sunset 
There was such beauty in the barren landscape...
Blue cow!! Neel Guy - I spotted him and barely had time to click him properly!
The view from the Palace terrace

One of its many beautiful 'onion' domes